We were so perfect.

At one point in time, we were perfect. For some reason I keep on thinking about my birthday last year, and how I wished so badly that you could be there to celebrate it with me. I remember at the end of the night when everyone left I just cried because no matter how much fun I wanted my birthday to be, I knew that I didn’t want it to go down the way it did, that I would’ve rather had a nice, quiet dinner with you instead of having a stupid hotel party. I missed you when you were gone, more than anything. Then when you came back I was probably the happiest person in the world. Even when we would argue, there wasn’t anything I loved more than you. For some reason I don’t know, something changed. I guess that thing was me. I realized how young I was to be thinking about committing to someone for the rest of my life, or to move in with someone at such a young age. I don’t understand why commitment scares me so much. And that’s the truth.. I never told you how afraid I was to start being an adult and live a life feeling married to someone. I wasn’t ready for that, and I’m still not ready for that. Don’t take it the wrong way, I always thought that we would get married. I knew you thought the same. But when it came down to it, all the pressure from your family and some of mine, I just didn’t want to think anything of it. I guess the thought of marriage, which most girls would probably jump at, drew me away. Maybe I’m jumping ahead of myself for over-thinking marriage, more it’s the commitment that makes me nervous. I do love you. I’m still in love with you. But for some reason it’s not enough to make me want to be with you. I’m so confused because I don’t know why that’s not enough for me. Maybe it’s the feeling of being taken for granted? For feeling unappreciated? Maybe it’s because I ran out of patience? Maybe it’s all of it? Maybe it’s because on my favorite holiday in the entire world, the holiday you had the opportunity to actually spend with me, when a year ago, you would’ve given anything to spend the holidays with me instead of being at boot camp, you didn’t call me, you didn’t even tell me you were home, and you spent my favorite holiday with your friends. Not to call you out, but I think that’s fucked up. And obviously, I’m still angry about it. But my feelings for you are so conflicting. I’m mad at you, but at the same time I’m sad you’re not here with me. I miss you, but at the same time I’m doing okay without you. I’m in love with you, but at the same time I still don’t know what I want. I just feel really guilty that I can’t be there for you the way you want me to. You’re my best friend, and I’m sorry I let you down the way I did. And I wish I knew, more than anything, when this would all make sense, but I don’t. Just give me some time.. a lot of time and then hopefully we’ll both understand?